Scream if u know what I did in Azkaban last summer
by twodollartrick
Summary: In the first year he fought Voldermort. In the second year he fought Voldermort. In the third year he fought Voldermort...yeah we get the picture. But how will Harry cope with fighting a dumb killer? Parody of Scream. (COMPLETED)
1. The mysterious phone call

Hi, this is a parody of "Scream" and all the other stupid horror movies out there, mixed with elements of Harry Potter. It's certainly not meant to be taken seriously, just light hearted fun. Please review after you've read, even if you don't like it, tell me how it can be improved!

* * *

Hermione Granger shivered as she looked out of her window. The night wind was cruel and harsh, and she was sure that something bad was going to happen. Ignoring her fear, she turned on the TV and saw a horror film on.

"Cool!" she exclaimed, "Shriek is on, I love that film!" She watched the movie intently as a young girl, home alone, watched TV. "This is familiar," she thought to herself before shrugging it off. The girl on the screen received a phone call, and it turned out to be the killer.

"Oh," said Hermione shivering again, "I'd hate that to happen to me."

The phone rang and she picked it up happily.

"Hello," she said.

"Hi," said the voice.

"Hey," she replied back

"Yo," said the voice.

"Hola," she said.

"Huh?" asked the voice.

"It's Spanish," she explained.

"Oh," said the voice.

"So, whats up?" she asked.

"Oh, just calling a few people, you know, prank calls and stuff," said the voice.

"Cool! Have you done the classic, "is your refrigerator running?" she asked.

"Oh nah," said the voice, "I prefer to do my own, you know, like "do you wanna die tonight?"

"Oh cool!" exclaimed Hermione. She suddenly thought of something. "I'm sorry, I forgot to ask, who is this?"

"Well, you see...I can't tell you. It'll give it away. But I _can _say that it's someone who knows you very well and will prove it to you by telling you what you're doing right now."

"Erm...okay," said Hermione.

"You are...talking on the phone!"

"Wow!" she said impressed, "are you psychic?"

"Yeah, a little," he admitted.

"Well, do you know what's going to happen to me tonight? It's just that I've got this strange feeling that the fact that I'm home alone and vulnerable and miles from the nearest town, means that something bad will occur."

"Yeah, I do...you're gonna DIE tonight."

There was a long silence.

"Uh...hello?" said the voice.

"Hi," said Hermione.

"Didn't you hear what I just said?" asked the voice irritably.

"Oh," said Hermione apologetically, "I'm sorry no, I was just watching this film, I'm sorry, I'm listening now, go on."

"No, forget it, the moment's ruined now."

"No go on please, look, I'll turn off the TV, and then you'll have my full attention."

"I don't know..."

"Please," she pleaded.

"Oh...alright," said the voice, "but you've got to scream when I tell you."

"Okay," promised Hermione.

The voice coughed and cleared his throat.

"Ahem...I...am...going to...GUT YOU LIKE A FISH."

There was a long silence again.

"I'm sorry," Hermione spoke up, "but fishes cannot technically be gutted. You see, there's a common misconception that they can, but as I tried to point out to my teacher, Professor McGonagall, their bone structure..."

"Do you not understand me you little bitch? I'm going to KILL YOU."

"Oh," said Hermione, then it dawned on her. "Oh...AAAAAAAAAH!" she let out a piercing scream, and hung up the phone. She ran to the nearest window and locked it, and followed suit with the rest around her house. It was enormously large, and Hermione knew in the back of her mind that this unknown voice was somehow going to get in.

There was a knock at the front door.

"Who is it?" she called out merrily.

"Pizza delivery." His voice sounded strangely familiar.

"Hmm...I didn't _order _any pizza," she said pointedly.

"Uh...yeah, that's because um...you won it. Your house got picked as the lucky house that gets a free pizza."

"Well...what's on it?"

"Pineapple."

"I hate pineapple."

"Sorry, not pineapple, I meant ham."

"I hate ham."

"Did I say ham, I meant uh...cheese."

"I hate—"

"LOOK WILL YOU OPEN THE DAMN DOOR."

"Okay jeez relax," she said and opened the door. There stood a figure dressed in a long hooded robe that hid his face.

"You know, you look just like a death eater," Hermione said, fascinated.

"Uh...well, er...I'm not. I'm just a random killer," said the figure.

"Oh...okay." Then she realised something. "Wait, you said you were a pizza deliverer. You lied!"

"No shit," came the response.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"TO SEE WHAT YOUR INSIDES LOOK LIKE!" the figure snarled.

Hermione screamed and ran to the stairs. She paused and vaguely remembered something important in the film. Now, did it say to run or not to run up the stairs. Hmmmâ€she couldn't remember.

A tap on the shoulder made her turn around and she saw the figure brandishing a knife at her. She screamed pathetically and ran up the stairs. She tried to open the first door as the killer advanced slowly towards her, but it was locked.

She screamed and threw her weight against the second door, but that was locked too.

"Why are all these damn doors locked?" she asked shrilly.

"Oh, it's a cliché, it has to happen," said the killer casually. "Don't worry though, just as I'm about to attack you, you'll reach the last door and it'll open."

"Oh, okay cool," said Hermione and began to relax. True to his word, he raised his knife and Hermione desperately tried the last door. It opened, and she threw herself in before shutting the door and locking it.

There was no phone in her room, but luckily there was a computer that just so happened to be on, and she just so happened to know a website that helped young girls who were getting attacked by killers.

She typed in and waited impatiently for the page to load.

"Man, I wish I had broadband right now," she mused

The door was flung open and the killer walked towards her with his arms outstretched threateningly.

"Sorry," she apologised meekly, "but I'm not ready, can you wait for a sec?"

"Oh, okay," grumbled the killer and walked back out of the room.

"Thank you," she called. The website still hadn't loaded up, so she decided to go onto her MSN account. Harry was online. His screen name was 'the boy who lived...and don't you forget it!'

'Hey Harry,' she typed.

'Hey 'Mione,' he typed back.

'What you doing?' she typed back in reply.

'Well, right now I'm just resenting you. You know, the fact that you get all the fun while I'm stuck here at the Dursley's. You don't know how hard it is for me. But you know, it's happened for six years now, you'd think I'd be used to it. Woe is me.'

'Awww sorry,' she typed, and inserted a sad smiley. 'Well, I'm currently being chased around my house by a killer.'

'See, you get all the fun' typed Harry glumly.

There was an exaggerated cough at the door.

'Oh, shit, Harry, I've kept him waiting long enough, I'll BRB,' she typed.

"Okay, I'm ready now," she called, and the killer burst in.

"About time," he replied, and then got distracted by the msn conversation on the screen.

"Don't you watch horror movies? Don't you know you should never say "I'll BRB" when a killer is in the house?" he asked, annoyed.

"Oh, sorry I didn't know..." Hermione began.

"No – just forget it," said the killer miserably. "I'll go and find someone who KNOWS the rules of horror films. Not some annoying little mudblood like you."

He walked down the stairs and Hermione heard the front door slam.

"Wow...he called me a mudblood. That sounds something like Draco would call me...well, nothing more than a coincidence, I suppose," and she ran back to the bedroom to finish her MSN conversation with Harry.

* * *

Well, that was my first chapter of my parody story, lol. If you liked it, review and tell me. If you didn't, review and tell me lol. Either way, PLEASE review! (Yes, I AM that pathetic and desperate lol.)  



	2. Dirty Harry

Hi, this is a parody of teen slasher movies - Hogwarts style! Bits dont make sense and you know what? They're not supposed to, lol. Which is handy for me because it means I can get away with typing crap and you guys have to read it lol. Well, hope you like the story. Please review!

* * *

Harry was sitting in his bedroom typing on the computer when he heard a noise. He turned abruptly to his open window and heard a scratching sound.

"I wonder if anybody's there?" he thought. Someone coughed.

Intrigued, he slowly walked over to the window and...

There was nobody there.

Shrugging, he slammed the window shut, and then heard a piercing scream. He looked in horror and saw that he had slammed someone's fingers in the window.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry," Harry exclaimed and opened the window again, where a disgruntled Ron fell in.

"Oh Ron are you alright?" Ron moaned in reply.

All of a sudden, Harry's bedroom door burst open and Uncle Vernon stuck his face in the door. It got jammed.

"Heeeeeres Vernon!" he said. Harry looked at him confused.

"That joke might be a little wasted on you," he said, and then remembered that he was meant to be the evil guy in all of this. He pushed open the door as Harry tried to push him out desperately. Harry spun around, telling Ron to run for it, but he was nowhere to be seen...

"What's going on in here?" Vernon snarled.

"Can you knock?" said Harry angrily.

"I heard screaming," insisted Vernon.

"No you didn't," said Harry innocently.

"Yes I did," said Vernon, "It sounded like a girl."

"Hey!" said Ron, offended.

Vernon raised his eyebrows. Harry looked back at him incredulously.

"I'm a wizard remember...I can throw my voice."

"Yeah...well," said Vernon distractedly. "My flight leaves first thing in the morning. Now the expo runs all weekend, so I won't be back until Sunday. There's cash on the table and..."

"...spend it if its an emergency if I need to," finished Harry. Now it was Vernon's turn to look incredulous.

"When have I EVER given you money?" he said.

"Well there was that time at Christmas when all you gave me was ten cents," said Harry. Vernon chuckled.

"Haha, yeah...good times. Well, bye," and with that, he left Harry's room.

Ron poked his head up from behind Harry's bed where he was hiding. His hand was closed around a puppet.

"Close call!" he said, making the mouth move.

"What are you doing here?" asked Harry.

"It's just occurred to me that I've never snuck through your bedroom window," said Ron, lying on Harry's bed. "By the way, did you really get ten cents for Christmas?"

"Yeah," said Harry glumly.

"Wow," said Ron impressed. "You're so lucky. Anyway, I was just at home watching the Exorcist, and it got me thinking of you."

"Oh it did?" said Harry flirtatiously.

"Yeah, turned me on a little," said Ron. Harry smiled. "Well, lets see if we can help you out a little then." Grabbing his wand, he turned his face away from Ron.

_"Impexerimenta Exorcista!"_

Harry's head started to turn around in 360-degree circles. His feet rose from the floor and he opened his mouth and puked green vomit everywhere.

"Oh yeah!" said Ron in ecstasy.

Harry grabbed his wand and stuck it up his ass.

"HELL YEAH!" said Ron, now extremely turned on and humping the bed.

"Fuck me! Fuck me!" said Harry thrusting it up harder.

"Oh yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh!" With that last cry, Ron came all over the bed.

Harry returned to his normal self. "Damn, that's going to be a killer to wash," he said. "Oh well, if my aunt Petunia asks, I'll just say Hedwig did it."

Ron nodded, "She'll believe that. Your bird is one horny...bird."

Hedwig hooted and winked at Ron from her cage. Ron blew a kiss back.

"Anyway Ron, you've got to go," said Harry, guiding him to the window.

Ron turned to him. "Hey, you know about that sex stuff? I'm not trying to rush you. I'm only half serious."

"Well..." said Harry, "would you settle for a PG-13 relationship?"

"What's that?" asked Ron.

"Tits and ass," replied Harry. Ron thought about it.

"Okay," nodded Ron. Harry flashed Ron his ass.

"Woah, baby got back!" he said. Harry laughed.

"Is my butt too bootylicious for you?"

"Oh yeah, you go girlfriend!"

"Mm-hmm!"

"Your butt is all that!" said Ron snapping his fingers.

"Yeah, you know it!"

They both smiled, and Harry pulled his pants back up.

"Bye!"

* * *

Harry walked into Hogwarts the next day...how he got there remains a mystery because he didn't catch the Hogwarts express...but between you and me, if we can believe that a young boy of eleven can stop an evil lord who's been running things for years, then it won't be hard to believe that Harry just arrived at school the next day by walking, okay?

He walked into the great hall and was greeted with the sight of hundreds of reporters. There were news cameras everywhere and blinding flashes were going off around him. He tried to look vulnerable and scared, until he realised that nobody was focusing on him.

"Er...excuse me?" he said politely. Nobody heard him, there was too much commotion going off in the hall.

"EXCUSE ME!" he yelled. It went silent at once, and everybody turned to him. He gave a little wave. "Yeah, hi, shouldn't you be focusing on me? The boy who lived?"

"Sorry hun," said Rita Skeeter, "but 'the boy who lived' is so over-rated. 'The girl who died' is _so _in fashion at the moment!"

Harry's mouth dropped open. He was in shock...what did Rita just say...how could it be...

"I am NOT over-rated!" he yelled, but nobody heard him. Huffily, he walked away.

"Can you _believe _this shit?" said a voice from behind. Harry spun around and saw Hermione.

"What happened?" asked Harry.

"You don't know?" said Hermione in shock. "Casey Becker was killed last night." Harry looked slightly confused.

"You know...that name sounds really familiar." Hermione looked irritated.

"Er Harry, copyright laws...infringement...in other words, get off the subject of the name – quickly!"

"Oh right," said Harry recovering. "So er...what, what happened?"

"Well, she was GUTTED last night!"

Harry's mouth dropped open.

"Like a fish?"

"NO!" shouted Hermione, "NOT like a fish! Fishes cannot be gutted, why does nobody get that? Anyway, her parents found her hanging from a tree, her insides on the outside."

"Do they know who did it?" asked Harry. Hermione shook her head.

"Clueless."

"I love that film!" Harry exclaimed, "But Alicia Silverstone is _such _a bitch, like cha!"

"No, I meant clueless. They're clueless about who did it; they're interrogating the entire school. They say it's the worst crime since...well, you know what..."

Harry looked blank. "...Er, since you know what?"

"Since _you know who _did _you know what_!"

"I don't know who _you know who _or what _you know what_ is."

"Well..._you know who_, you know, and, _you know what_, you know what, it doesn't matter. I was trying to say that there hasn't been a crime that bad since Voldermort killed your parents brutally sixteen years ago," she said bluntly.

"Oh, that!" said Harry airily. "So what do they want me to do, save the day again?"

"Probably," said Hermione.

Harry flashed a smile.

"I better get started then..."

* * *

Lol, I ended it on that note because I didn't know how to end it. Lol most of the jokes in here are movie related so you have to know your movies I guess. Please leave feedback and ideas, thanks!


	3. Funky chicken dance

Yay, I have reviews, lol! Woohoo I'm excited lol.

Okay, first of all, thanks to **SammyBaby **who was my very first poster! I'm glad you liked the story, (even though some bits were stupid as you put it, lol)

Also thanks to **Sirius-Bond**! I'm sorry my story made you laugh in the café, I hope people didn't think you were nuts, lol!

And also thanks to **Invisible Voice** for reading and reviewing! I hope I updated fast enough for you all!

Anyway, here's chapter three...

* * *

Harry was pacing up and down his bedroom at Privet Drive. How he got back so quickly remains a mystery, and as this author can't be bothered to think of a reason, in this story Harry and the rest of the gang will be able to leave Hogwarts anytime they want, okay?!

So as I was saying, Harry was pacing up and down his bedroom at Privet Drive. The phone rang, and he picked it up.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hi," said the voice.

"What do you want?" said Harry, hysterically crying; "I didn't do anything to you! Please, just leave me alone! My boyfriends big and he plays football, and he'll kick the shit out of you!"

"Er...Harry, it's me, Ron."

"Oh, hey Ron," said Harry smoothly. "So, is it alright if I still come over?"

"Sure, no problem," said Ron. "We still have that slight rodent problem though..."

"Well, just tell Ginny to stay at Hermione's then."

"No...I meant an infestation of rodents," explained Ron. Harry sighed.

"I'm a bit fed up of you being poor, Ron."

"Me too," said Ron glumly. "But er...weren't we talking about the killer?"

"No..." said Harry. His eyes widened. "We weren't talking about the killer! I didn't mention any killer to you! How do you know about him?"

"I...er..." said Ron before the phone went dead.

"Weird," exclaimed Harry, "Its as almost as though I touched a nerve when I asked Ron about how he knew the killer." He shrugged.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang again.

"Hi," said Harry brightly.

"Seven days," said the voice vaguely.

"Oh my god, NO!" shouted Harry. "I don't want to die, NOOOOO!"

The voice gave a polite cough but Harry didn't pay attention.

"I didn't even see the ring. I don't even have a ring! In fact, with the competition being so stiff by Lord of the Rings, Warner Brothers have forbid me to have anything to do with rings!"

The voice gave another cough, louder this time.

"And the only video tape I've saw that I wasn't meant to was where Draco was dressed up as a –"

"AHEM!" The voice interrupted abruptly.

"I wasn't actually wasn't talking to you," said the voice. "I was just telling my friend the name of the Craig David song. The one where he sings about the girl he sees on all the different days."

"Oh," said Harry happily, "I know it, its called seven days!"

"No shit," said the voice.

"Oh...well, er, who is this?"

"You tell me," said the voice.

"Er...I don't know."

"What's your favourite scary movie?" asked the voice.

"Oh, gosh...erm, lets see...well, I guess that Larry Botter and the Sorcerer's Pebble was pretty scary. But I don't watch that crap anyway."

"And why is that?" asked the voice.

"Well it's always the same isn't it? Some stupid evil lord stalking some dumb little boy who can't act, who's always running into fights when he should be at home studying, it's insulting!"

There was a brief silence. "That...didn't make sense," said the voice.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up Ron."

"Well, what if I told you...I'm NOT Ron?"

Loud atmospheric music filled the house deafeningly. Harry turned around angrily.

"Hey will you knock it off?" he yelled at the orchestra band. They looked disheartened and packed up their instruments and went on their way.

"So, if you're not Ron, who are you?" he said, returning to the phone conversation.

"The question isn't who am I," said the voice matter-of-factly, "the question is WHERE am I?"

"So er...WHERE are you?" asked Harry.

"Your front porch," said the voice.

There was a dramatic pause. "I don't have a porch," said Harry finally.

"Liar," laughed the voice.

"No, really I don't. You must be at the wrong house."

"Really?" asked the voice disbelievingly. "Hang on, I'll go check..." Harry listened intently as he heard a doorbell being rung on the phone. He heard the voice mutter a few words, and then he spoke back to Harry.

"Are you there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here," said Harry.

The voice chuckled good-naturedly. "Stupid me _was _at the wrong house."

Harry laughed. "Easy mistake," he said. "So, where are you?"

"I'm watching you now...can you see me?"

"Well, er...no, I'm still in my bedroom."

The voice cursed angrily. "Well, you've missed your cue damn it! You were meant to be downstairs when I did the porch talk."

"Oh right, sorry," said Harry and ran downstairs. He flung open his front door.

"Can you see me now? I can see you," taunted the voice.

"Really?" said Harry. He stuck his finger up his nose. "What am I doing then, huh?"

"Picking your nose you grossbag!" said the voice. Harry was stunned.

"Er...okay, so er...what am I doing now?" He tucked his hands into his armpits so his arms looked like wings and strutted around.

"You're doing the funky chicken dance," said the killer in a bored voice. Harry was amazed.

"Oh, okay Mr. Smarty pants, what am I doing –"

"Oh just cut the crap," said the voice angrily, "do you want to die? Your mother sure didn't."

Harry was livid. "Screw you asshole!"

He went to go back inside his house, but the door slammed shut in his face.

The voice chuckled on the phone. "Ha, now you're locked out of your house, with nowhere to run."

"Yeah...but..._you're _in there..." said Harry.

There was a long pause. "Damn," said the voice, and the door flung open and a figure dressed in what looked like a death eaters costume ran out. Harry screamed like a girl and pushed past him. He ran back into the house and ran up the stairs.

"Why do they ALL run up the goddamn stairs?" asked the killer who was hot on his heels.

Harry ran down a long corridor. "You know, if I had time to muse on this," he thought, "I would spend half of my term at Hogwarts thinking about whether I should tell Dumbledore about it or not. Of course, it wouldn't matter anyway, as I would no doubt save the day in the end. To think the whole plot of an almost 800 page book was about a corridor!"

He ran into the last door that was predictably open, and he locked it. His computer was on and he was already signed into Msn Messenger. Hermione was online with the screen name, "I may have bushy hair but I haven't got a bushy !"

"Hermione, that's a gross name," typed Harry.

"Well, don't look at it then," typed Hermione crossly.

"Look Hermione, I haven't got time for this, I'm being pursued by a killer," he typed frantically.

"Oh SHUT UP Harry! This happened to me a couple of nights ago! You just can't bear the attention not being on you, can you?" she typed. Harry was shocked.

"No, Hermione, really, I'm about to die!" he typed.

"Sure, whatever!" typed Hermione, and with that she blocked him. Harry turned to the door desperately. But in the middle of his typed argument with Hermione, he hadn't noticed that the killer slipped away.

He turned around and was face to face with...Ron. Harry screamed.

"Are you okay?" asked Ron, "I heard screams, and the door was locked..."

"...But you live miles from here..." pointed out Harry.

"Oh, well er...I caught a taxi."

"You can't afford it," Harry pointed out again tactlessly.

Ron grew angry. "Look, I've told you what happened, if you don't believe me then fine, but you'll live to regret it. I'll gut you like a fish."

Harry's mouth dropped open. Ron looked startled.

"Ron..." Harry began. Ron looked down to the floor.

"...Fishes can't be gutted," finished Harry. Ron looked up in surprise.

"There's a common misconception that they can," said Harry importantly, "But according to Hermione, they can't. Of course Professor McGonagall thinks otherwise..."

"Harry?" interrupted Ron.

"Yeah?" said Harry.

"Shut up or I'll kill you."

Harry nodded. "Okay," he said. He'd had a long day and couldn't be bothered to argue. Nor could he be bothered to ask what Ron was doing with a cell phone, a death eaters costume, a knife, a gun, and weapons of mass destruction in his backpack...

* * *

Argh I'm sorry for posting a lame chapter! I tried to make it funny but it just turned out...not to be, lol. I can't be bothered to rewrite it though, lol. Hope you enjoyed it anyway! 


	4. Catflap catastrophe

Woohoo, I have more reviews, lol. Okay, first of all than you to **hokuspokus **who has read both of my stories and has left many reviews! Thank you for your comments and I'm glad you didn't find chapter 3 lame lol.

Also thanks to **ilovefredgeorgeandsugar** (I love Dracoharryandcandy by the way lol) for your comments. Also thanks to **Invisible Voice **for her review and **Sirius bond. **I haven't seen Halloween so I can't comment on that, but I can so imagine that happening (the guy coming back to life in the film.) Hollywood can stoop to such low standards to make films lol.

Lol also thanks to **hermyandron4evr **for liking chapter one, but thinking chapter two was disgusting lol. And also thanks to **cmere1 **who has also read both of my stories and I'm glad you enjoyed the wand sex lmao. And thanks to **kinky krooks **who has also read both of the stories and I'm glad my story makes you laugh lol.

Hope everyone enjoys chapter four!

* * *

Harry rushed into school the next day. "Oh my god, Hermione, you won't BELIEVE what I found out."

"What?" asked Hermione interestedly. Ron came to listen too.

"Well, the other night, when the killer was chasing me, I noticed he had a hook for a hand."

Hermione gasped. "What does that mean?" she asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" said Harry. "The killer is ... captain hook!"

"What?" asked Hermione and Ron in unison. Harry looked at them blankly.

"Hello, hook in hand. Who else could it be?"

Hermione shrugged. "Maybe the guy off 'I know what you did last summer'?"

"Why hello Potter," a voice interrupted.

Harry turned around and saw Draco standing there with Pansy. His left hand looked perfectly normal, but in place of the other was...a HOOK.

The trio screamed.

"What? I'm just hanging up my robe," Draco said scornfully, revealing the coathanger he had in his hand. They breathed a sigh of relief.

"Lets have a party tonight," Pansy announced. They stared at her weirdly.

"Well, if we don't have a party then how are we going to get into the next scene where there are loads of people who the killer can kill?"

"I see your point," reasoned Ron, and the others nodded.

"Well, I've got to go," said Hermione. "I've got to do excessive amounts of homework and secretly lust after foreign quidditch players."

"I've got to moan about my scar hurting and spend most of my term keeping secrets," said Harry.

"I've got to whine about the troubles of being poor and put up with my best mate being more famous than I ever will be," said Ron.

"I've got to be horrible to Harry because I am secretly hiding the fact that I am jealous of him and insecure with myself," said Draco.

They turned to Pansy. "What are you going to do?" asked Ron.

"Ah, I'm just a filler," she said, "I'm just inserted when nobody else can be used in the scene." They nodded thoughtfully.

* * *

The music was deafeningly loud at the party at Pansy's house that night, and it seemed as though the whole of Hogwarts was there. A man in a death eaters costume sidled up to Hermione.

"Do you wanna die tonight?" he asked.

"WHAT?" shouted Hermione.

"Do you wanna die tonight?" he repeated.

"Sorry, I can't hear you the music's too loud!"

"DO YOU WANNA DIE TONIGHT?" he shouted.

"Do I wanna what? Get high? No I don't touch that shit," said Hermione. "Look what it's done to Luna..."

They both turned and saw Luna sprawled over the floor, reading a magazine upside down.

"Ah, she's always like that," said the man in the death eaters costume. Hermione turned to him.

"How do you know?" she asked. He shifted uncomfortably. "And now I think about it, that costume looks awfully familiar," she said. "Did you try and kill me last week?"

He muttered an excuse and left. Hermione shrugged and carried on dancing wildly.

"Hey guys," called Pansy over the music. "I'm going out to the garage where nobody will hear me scream. There's no exit except for a small cat flap that I couldn't possibly get through, so if anybody's thinking of killing me, now would be a good time okay?"

Nobody heard her, and she shrugged and went to the garage anyway. She turned on the light and went to get some bottles of firewhiskey. She turned to leave and saw...

Nobody.

"Hmmm, maybe I'll wait a couple of minutes," she said, slightly dejectedly.

She waited fifteen minutes and still nobody came. She grew irritated and waited for a further fifteen minutes until she finally heard footsteps coming towards her. The door opened and she screamed as she saw...

"Hermione!" exclaimed Pansy, stopping in mid-scream. "You're not meant to be down here, I'm meant to be alone and vulnerable!"

"Oh," said Hermione looking embarrassed, "oh I'm sorry."

Pansy sighed. "Have you saw the killer anywhere?" she asked.

Hermione nodded. "Yeah, he's enjoying himself so much! He told me to tell you that he's having a really great time."

Pansy was furious. "Go back up and tell him to come down here! I've been waiting down here for half an hour!" she yelled.

"Sure thing," yelled Hermione as she went back up to the party.

"Honestly," muttered Pansy to herself, "killers have no respect for timekeeping nowadays..."

Five minutes later the killer stumbled in drunk.

"Where have you been?" demanded Pansy. The killer giggled.

"I've been erm...haha, I've been –hiccup – drinking some firewhiskey," he slurred. He took out a knife. "Do you wanna...erm...oh shit...I forgot the line!"

"Die tonight," huffed Pansy impatiently. Then she recomposed herself. "Oh please no Mr. Killer, not me! I'm just an innocent little girl!"

The killer advanced towards her and stumbled down the stairs, laughing.

"DO IT PROPERLY," Pansy yelled. The killer just laughed even more. He crawled over to the cat flap and stuck his head through.

"THAT'S MY PART!" yelled Pansy, and yanked his head out, before sticking her own in, along with both of her arms. "Okay, I'm ready to be killed now," she called.

There was silence.

"Er...hello?"

She heard a soft snore. "You have NOT fallen asleep on me have you?" she demanded. She got no answer. She kicked out, trying to wake up the killer but her foot hit a button instead that made the garage door that held the cat flap lift up.

"No wait, its not supposed to happen like this," screamed Pansy frantically. "Help somebody, HELP! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" There was no answer and she screamed as her skull was crushed.

* * *

"Where's Pansy?" asked Harry. Ron shrugged.

"Maybe she's dead after her skull was crushed in machinery because she stuck her head in a cat flap and hit the button to make it go up."

The others stared at him, and he shrugged.

"Just a suggestion," he said.

"Well, we can't just leave her house like this," said Hermione looking around. Everywhere was a mess. Everyone had left and her parents were due home in less than three hours.

"Well I need to get home," said Draco, stifling a yawn. "Why don't we just tell her neighbours to clean up?"

"She has neighbours?" asked Harry. Draco nodded.

"Yeah, but they're miles from her house. In the middle of nowhere. It'll be kind of spooky walking there while a killer is on the loose. They could attack us..."

"So...we aren't going?" asked Hermione.

"Of course," said Draco. "Come on."

They walked for miles and miles until they saw a house perched on the top of a hill alone.

"Do you think it's dangerous?" whispered Hermione.

A lightning bolt flashed over the house, and thunder roared around them. The wind blew harshly, and rain started to pour down.

"Do you think that was a sign?" Harry asked.

"Nah," said Ron, and they ran up the hill towards the house.

They knocked on the door, and it opened by itself.

"Cool, a self opening door!" Harry exclaimed, and they all went inside...

* * *

That was such a crappy chapter, but I only posted it because I needed to update. I really don't like it though, and may rewrite it later on. Anyways, hope ya enjoyed it anyways. Jordan xx 


	5. Time warp

Lol thanks to everyone who reviewed! I have no excuse other than the fact that I am lazy to write out a personal thank you to everyone so... thank you to:

Sirius-Bond  
Invisible Voice  
Shorty-girly  
Cmere1  
Hokuspokus  
Virgo Eyes  
Frank the Pug  
ilovefredgeorgeandsugar  
And  
Kinky Krooks (who has to get a special thank you for giving me an idea to put in this chapter, so thank you kinky krooks lol!)

Lol, I don't know why, but every time I think a chapter is really crappy, everyone says its good. Lol, I swear, the last two chapters I thought were really bad, but as long as people want to read them, I'll keep writing! Forgive me if the information in this chapter is a little off, but I have only saw titbits of the main film I'm parodying, okay? Lol, enjoy chapter five!

* * *

As they slowly entered the house on haunted hill, a dark figure emerged from the corner of the room. The group stiffened and a girlish scream sounded off.

"Hermione, shut up," Harry hissed.

"Yeah Hermione," said Draco digging her in the ribs, knowing full well it was he who had screamed so girlishly. The figure shuffled towards them, and as he got closer, they could see he was hunch backed.

"Hello," he said croakily, and smiled, showing a row of mismatched teeth. "My name is Raff Riff," he introduced himself. Hermione giggled nervously.

"You mean Riff Raff," she corrected him.

"That's what I said," he snapped, eyeing her beadily. "Now if you would like to follow me, I will take you to the party..."

"Oh, that's okay," said Ron, "We've already been to a party. We've just got back from one. In fact –"

"Well now you're going to another one. Aren't you lucky?" the man interrupted.

A loud shriek of delight was heard as a red haired woman who was sitting on the banister of the stairs cackled loudly. "You're lucky!" she laughed. "And I'm lucky, and we're all lucky!"

Suddenly, music blared out, and a song blasted through the various speakers rigged around the house.

_She is so lucky_

_This Hollywood girl_

_And they say_

_She's so lucky!_

_She's a star_

_But she cries, cries, cries –_

"Hey, cut the music!" Raff Riff yelled. It was stopped abruptly. "That's the wrong song," he spat.

"And I didn't know this was a songfic..." mused Harry.

"Neither did I! I can't sing," said Draco worriedly, and the group began discussing their singing problems.

"I just can't hit the high C notes," said Hermione.

"You've only got the high C's to worry about?" groaned Ron. "I can't even hit the middle B's!"

Suddenly the lights went off and the group turned to Raff Riff who was poised on the stairs.

"_It's astounding_," he sang.

"What is?" asked Hermione.

"_Time is fleeting_."

"What does fleeting mean?" asked Ron stupidly.

"_Madness takes it toll_."

"Oh, you are so right! When you've lived with a lightning shaped scar throughout your life, you know all about madness! There was this one time –"

"_LISTEN CLOSELY_," Raff Riff emphasised this lyric to Harry, who shut up meekly. "_Not for very much longer. I've got to keep control._"

Double doors at the other end of the entrance hall suddenly opened, and the group stared in interest at the crazy mix of people that were in there. Drag queens, punks and strangest of them all...

"Hey is that MADONNA?" Draco asked incredulously. The others gaped at the woman he was pointing at open mouthed.

"She is looking so rough," whispered Harry and the others nodded. She walked over.

"Hello jolly old chaps!" greeted Madonna. "How are you all doing on such a fine British evening?"

"Erm...Madonna, hi, yeah, I hate to break it to you but erm...you're not British," said Hermione. Madonna snorted.

"Why of course I am you silly old bugger! Tea, toast and all that Britishness! Now come on, lets vogue!"

**Er...hey guys! You've probably forgotten the song part of the story by now so sorry to interrupt, but I just need to cut in and tell you: **_It's just a jump to the left!_

"_And then a step to the right_!" The red haired woman wailed.

**Really sorry, but I've got to cut in once more. Last time, I promise, okay?: **_With your hands on your hips!_

The party guests put their hands on their hips, and brought their knees in tight.

"_But it's the pelvic thrust_," they sang.

"_THEY REALLY DRIVE YOU INSANE_!" Ron suddenly sang loudly.

"Ron!" said Hermione stunned.

"Sorry," he apologised meekly.

Hermione thought for a moment, and then shrugged.

"Ah what the hell!" she laughed, and the group ran into the hall.

"_LETS DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN_!"

"Well I'm sorry, but that was ab-solute-ly dreadful."

The group spun round and were greeted with three figures sitting down at a table.

"You are by far the worst we've seen today," Simon Cowell drawled, but Randy interrupted him.

"Yo, yo, yo hold on dawg. Now, as you know I'm Randy –not-as-famous-as-my-brother-Michael– Jackson and I thought that was aight dawg."

"I agree," piped up Paula. "Now even though I'm Paula –who-the-hell-am-I-to-judge-singing-talents-with-my-short-lived-embarrasing-singing-career– Abdul, I can still spot good talent when I see it, and you guys are certainly American Idols."

"But we're British," pointed out Harry.

"Like me?" said a woman's voice from behind them. Simon rolled his eyes.

"Hello Madonna," he said wearily.

"Alright guv'nor!" said Madonna joining the group. "Ow are ya doin today, my fellow Britainican?"

"The word I think you're trying to use is Briton," said Simon dryly.

"That's what I said, di'n I," breezed Madonna. "Listen, my fellow Lemon –"

"You mean Limey?" Simon interrupted.

"Lemon and limes, apples and pears! Who cares!" said Madonna airily, "Lets vogue!"

Draco stared at her in dislike before turning to the group. "Come on, let's go," he said. They walked away from the madness going on in the hall and made their way out of the corridor.

"Hey!" called a voice behind them. The group spun around and were faced with...

The lord of the rings characters.

"Did you guys enjoy the show?" asked Legolas smoothly.

"What are you talking about?" asked Ron.

"Look, can we just beat these buffies down so I can go home? I'm on curfew girl," said Gandalf.

Legolas looked embarrassed. "Look," he whispered to Gandalf, "How many times do I have to tell you? This is a parody. You don't COPY what's been done in movies, you spoof them slightly, okay? There are certain rules that one must abide by to successfully parody a movie. Rule number one: You never go overboard. Rule number two..."

"Ahem," Hermione politely coughed, interrupting them. "Weren't you in the middle of something?"

"Oh yeah," said Legolas, regaining his composure. He looked at his crew behind him. "Ready guys?"

"Yeah!" cheered Gandalf, Frodo, Gollum, Aragorn and Galadriel enthusiastically.

"I said...BRRR! It's cold in here! There must be some–"

"Oh, I'm glad I'm not the only one," Ron spoke up, "I'm freezing! You'd think they'd put on a couple of fires or something..."

"Er...if you don't mind, we're in the middle of something," said Frodo nastily. Ron flushed.

"As we were saying," said Legolas. "BRRR! It's cold in here! There must be some Lord-of-the-rings-cast in the atmosphere!"

"Oh awesome! Oh wow! Like totally freak us out I mean right on! Cos as part of the award-winning-Harry-Potter-franchise, we are surely number one!" cried the Harry Potter group.

"That's alright! That's okay! You're gonna pump our gas someday!" jeered the Lord of the Rings cast.

"You put the itches in bitches!" snapped the Harry Potter group.

"You put the oozers into Losers!" retaliated the Lord of the rings group.

"You put the appy anchise into crappy franchise!"

"You put the overdone movies into overdone movies!"

"...That doesn't even make sense!" Harry pointed out and the Harry Potter group laughed.

"Yeah well..." stammered Legolas, "Yeah well, er...your mama!"

There was a stunned silence that followed this statement. Legolas looked pleased.

"M-A-M-A we know how you got that way, your mama! Hey, hey, your mama!"

The rest of the Lord of the rings group joined in enthusiastically.

"P-A-P-A one look at you and he ran away, your papa! Hey, hey, your papa! V-O-L-D-I-E you're scared of a man with such a stupid name, Voldie! Oh please! Voldie!"

The group shivered at the sound of the dark lords name and stumbled out of the house, the jeers of the lord of the rings crew still ringing in their ears.

"We better go," mumbled Draco as they walked home. "We've got prom tomorrow..."

"PROM?!" the others asked stupidly.

"Well, yeah," said Draco. "There _has _to be a prom scene in this story, I mean come on, prom scenes have the most potential to spoof. You really should have listened to Legolas you know, there are certain rules that you have to follow to successfully parody movies..."

* * *

Lol, I didn't know how to end it, so I ended it like that, and yeah, there will be a prom scene in the next chapter lol. I've never saw or read Lord of the Rings, and had to get the names off of a website, that's how clueless I was to the franchise, so if there's anything wrong about how I depicted them, well, you know why lol. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, from Jordan xxx. Please review! Oh and about the Madonna thing – don't ask! I don't even know why I put her in the story lol. 


	6. Prom Night

**It's been so long updating this chapter, and I don't really like it, but I did it anyway because I've neglected the poor story for so long. Anyway, thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed so far. I present you with: chapter six!**

* * *

Hermione sat on her bed and cried. She didn't really know why she was crying, but it seems a very _Party of Five _thing to do; sit on your bed and cry in your prom dress on prom night, looking out of your bedroom window and wonder if you'll ever find the love of your life.

Her mother knocked on the door.

"Just leave me alone mother, I hate you!" Hermione shrieked dramatically. Her mother looked confused. "You never wanted me to do well in life, you regret having me! Well, I'm sorry if you got pregnant. I'm sorry you got stretch marks! I'm sorry that your boobs went all saggy and disgusting after you breastfed me and father left you! But I'm here and there's nothing you can do about it, so leave me alone!" With that final declaration of rebellion she flung herself onto her bed and cried harder.

"I er...was just going to tell you that your scar ridden date was downstairs," her mother said.

"Oh," said Hermione recomposing herself. "Thanks." She pushed past her mother who was now having a mini-breakdown in her bedroom. "See ya later mom!" she called happily.

Harry was waiting for her in the limo.

"Wow, it's beautiful," said Hermione breathlessly.

"Yeah," said Harry grinning, "I am aren't I?! So anyway, what have you been up to lately?"

"Nothing much," admitted Hermione. "In fact, nothing at all. The fact that the author hasn't updated in _such_ a long time means I've been lifeless."

The pair stared at me accusingly while I contemplated whether to backspace the whole first part of this story.

"Yeah," said Harry joining in the bullying of poor defenceless me. "Who does he think he is, delaying it for so long? J.K Rowling? It's only some little fanfic parody thing, not an epic."

I didn't know how to respond to this, so I quickly fast forwarded the scene and they arrived at prom.

Harry stared at Draco longingly. He was wearing a tux and looking very suave. He didn't really know what suave meant but it sounded French and sophisticated so he decided that's how Draco looked. Although he would never admit it, he'd always had such strong feelings for him. But the fact that he was a Slytherin, and someday a death eater, and hated him since the first day of school meant that they could never be together.

"Draco I love you," Harry announced.

"I love you too!" Draco blurted out and the pair embraced in front of the entire school. Everyone clapped and whistled like it was a cheesy romantic comedy sort of film. Hermione predictably already knew and fast became Harry's fag hag. You could often catch her in San Francisco drinking cheap wine from a paper bag on Friday nights before returning home to live with her seven cats. Ron was obviously homophobic. He lived with five other brothers, you don't think he grew up without being used as their "tension reliever" did you? Blaise was the jealous one, which was useful, because we don't know too much about Blaise so we can make him into anything we want. I mean, we didn't know Blaise was a guy, let alone what his sexuality was.

"I've always loved you Harry," cried Draco. "The fact that I've hated you for five books now - and probably a sixth and seventh one too - doesn't matter at all to slash writers!" The pair embraced again.

"Er guys," interrupted Pansy who was dead a couple of chapters back but I need someone to say this line so I ignore that fact. "This story is meant to have a plot you know." They were understanding so they stopped tongue kissing (their tongues were predictably "wrestling for dominance" by the way - very cliché!) and got on with the plot.

Everyone was formed in a circle on the dance hall. It was very 50's Grease and suddenly a song blared from the speakers which made the guys and girls separate into two groups.

_We made out under the dock, sang Draco cockily._

_We stayed up til ten o'clock sang Harry dreamily._

_Summer fun, something's begun but woah-oh oh those summer nights a WELLA WELLA HUH!_

_Tell me more tell me more was it love at first sight? sang Rita Skeeter jotting everything down with that acidic green quill she always has._

Meanwhile (and we need a "meanwhile" moment because that scene was unfunny) Blaise was busy plotting. As I said we don't know too much about him so I'm going to make him a plotter. He was plotting against Harry which makes him a Potter Plotter.

"If I tie a string onto this bucket and hoist it up into the air and then wait for the exact time that Harry will predictably be announced prom queen then I can drop the bucket causing all of this lovely tomato ketchup in the bucket that I have squeezed in there to fall on him," laughed Blaise delightfully. He cackled evilly.

Dumbledore - who is _always _drunk and eats with his mouth open F.Y.I - got up on stage and talked in his normal bumbling manner. He asked McGonagall to hand him the gold envelope (and its always got to be gold - I don't know why though...) and announced the winner to dramatic music

"Will you knock it off?" he roared angrily and the orchestra playing the dramatic music looked disheartened and packed their instruments away (yeah, I used that joke in the third chapter but I liked it so I said it again alright?)

"And the winner is..." said Dumbledore dramatically. He left it waiting for a long while - so much that Harry had to go to the bathroom and missed his name when it was called out. Luckily he was used to fame and glory having like, almost died like, a million times at the hands of the most powerful wizard in history, so he was very professionally prepared and floated onto the stage giving air kisses and squeals of delight.

"A real queen!" mused Snape and Flitwick agreed. Harry had shining tears in his eyes. He had never felt so happy. Everything was perfect. But...ew, what was that? Something just fell on his head. He hoped it wasn't bird poo.

"If Hedwig's escaped from her cage I'll wring that scrawny little owls neck," he thought angrily. But when he put his hand to his head and looked at what was on it, it was red.

"Dumbledore, DUMBLEDORE," he shrieked. "I always run to you every time something goes wrong and -"

"Yes I know Harry," sighed Dumbledore lazily, "you came to me with an untied shoelace last week. And the week before that -"

"ANYWAY," interrupted Harry crossly, "now I've found some red stuff on my hair and I don't know if its tomato ketchup about to drop on me from Blaise because he's jealous of the love I've had for Draco for so long but never knew, but I thought I should tell you in case it can somehow be connected to the scar on my forehead that always prickles and burns. And it burns as though a "white hot poker had touched it." Not a red hot poker, a _white hot_ poker. There's a difference you know," he said importantly.

"Well we better get you to St Mungo's," said Dumbledore, "But maybe you should wait a few more minutes before going because if Blaise _has_ planned on dropping tomato ketchup on you because of the love you've had for Draco so long but never knew, don't you think you should at least be courteous and let him finish it?"

"Fine, whatever," said Harry moodily. He didn't like it when things didn't go his way. As Dumbledore predicted (and whatever Dumbledore predicts happens, got it?) a bucket of tomato ketchup fell on Harry's head. He stood there covered in the icky red substance while all the bitchy queens were pointing and laughing at him.

He ran into the crowd and pushed his way through dramatically. He could have just took the side entrance but you just _have_ to push your way through a crowd in these situations. He burst through the doors and ran out into the night. His dress (and I need him to have a dress because it needs to "blow in the wind." Dramatically.) As I was saying, his dress was blowing in the wind. Dramatically. He looked around through tear stained eyes and saw the teachers running out of school chasing him, calling out his name. He looked around desperately again and saw that Draco was on a motorbike outside the school.

Casting one final glance behind him, Harry ran over and jumped on the back of the motorbike. He was prepared to ride off into the night sky leaving his presence behind him in a tail of motorbike smoke but Draco was cheap and hadn't put any petrol in his bike so he trudged back to school glumly.


	7. Kill Bill

"I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point," said a black and white Harry driving towards a camera in a sports car. "I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a seven part movie/book/toy/greedy McDonalds (we-don't-supersize-any-more) promotion series roaring rampage of revenge. Oh and I roared. And I rampaged. And I got 'bloody' satisfaction. A _lot _of bloody satisfaction actually because 'bloody' is probably the most rudest word that Ms. Rowling uses in her books and uses it often for shock tactics for easily offended adolescents. And now I'm driving to the final place. The last person. And when I arrive at my destination..." Harry shivered with anticipation. "I am gonna kill Bill."

"Er...Harry?"

"Yeah Ron?" asked Harry distractedly, still gazing into the camera.

"Did you just say you were going to kill my brother?"

Harry snapped back into reality and the scene suddenly turned to colour, very much like the Wizard of Oz. In fact, there were loads of cute little munchkins running around Harry and Ron's ankles. Well, not so much cute little munchkins as ugly little goblins from Gringots. And they were trying to bite Harry and Ron's ankles viciously. Despite the fact that they were in a sports car a minute ago. Lets forget I ever mentioned the Wizard of Oz.

"No, I said I was er... Gonna kill... Voldie."

"_Voldie_?" Ron asked.

"Hey," snapped Harry. "_I've _been the one battling him for the last seven years/books. Although you've managed to survive the last seven years/books being my goofy red-headed poor ass friend, _I've _been the one in a constant struggle to fight the most powerful wizard in history while trying to find my teenage adolescent identity. I think I have the _right _to give my enemy a pet name, alright?"

Ron looked very taken-aback. "Yeah yeah, of course Harry. Voldie. Right, that's cool."

"Yes," said Harry smugly. "It is. Now lets go," and they drove off in his car into the beautiful sunset. Normally this is where the cheesy music would come on and the credits would roll up the screen with Julia Roberts name coming first while she's cackling evilly depositing yet another play-it-safe-with-romantic-comedies-and-get-an-easy 20 million dollar cheque into her bank account, but it's not over yet so I'll continue.

They arrive at Hogwarts and Hermione is there waiting anxiously.

"Oh Harry," she said, flinging her arms around him. "I was so worried."

"Why?" he asked. She shrugged.

"I just was, okay, it's part of my characters nature. Along with having a name that nobody could pronounce until a certain Mr. Krum gave a pronunciation in Goblet of Fire."

At the sound of Viktor's name, Ron's ears went pink. And then red. And then blue. And then purple and green and multicoloured and everybody had a little disco dance while he went through all different emotions. When they went back to his normal colour the conversation carried on.

"Anyway, good luck in the final battle."

Harry gaped in open-mouthed shock. "How do you know this is the final battle?" he stammered. (**Authors note: **Ahem - I typed _stammered_, Harry.) "H-h-h-h-ow d-d-d-do y-y-you know th-th-th-th-this is the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-" (**A/N: **_QUICKER!) _"f-f--final b-battle?"

"_Hello_?!" Hermione said in a Clueless/Paris Hilton/Legally blonde/Jessica Simpson/ (insert other blonde movie or celebrity of choice here) manner. "I'm Hermione Granger, I know _everything_!"

"You can't know everything," said Ron. Hermione turned to him with an raised eyebrow. "Try me," she said.

"What's the capital of France?" Ron asked.

"Paris."

"What's the capital of England?"

"London."

"Who is the president of the United States?"

"George Bush."

"Who is without a doubt the biggest ass-"

"George Bush."

"hole in the world. Wow, you knew that before -"

"You're finishing your sentences."

"I'm finishing my -"

"sentences. Wow."

"Sentences! Wow! You really are -"

"Great, fantastic, brilliant. I know."

"Nope, I was going to go with annoying, but yours work too."

Hermione gave an impatient huff and turned to Harry who had almost fallen to sleep at this point. "Anyway, I know everything so of course I know that the final battle is today!"

"Well I don't want anybody knowing," said Harry quietly. "So don't tell anyone."

* * *

Thousands of news journalists over the world were clambering through the great hall to get an interview with Harry who was sitting in a chair on stage throwing vicious looks to Hermione, who wasn't even paying attention being too busy posing for photographs.

"This one's for playboy!" she laughed and conjured up a spell that whipped her clothes off while three strategically placed pumpkins covered up her modesties.

Afterwards Dumbledore made all the journalists leave and told Harry that he was not going to be alone in this battle.

"But you should know that I'm going to die fighting for you Harry."

Harry gasped. "Dumbledore... No you can't die -"

"I'm going to die, Harry," Dumbledore interrupted. "Haven't you read any of the internet conspiracy theories? My name means bumblebee after all, and what are bumblebees well known for?"

"Honey," said Harry happily.

"Well, yes apart from that," said Dumbledore gently.

"Stinging," said Harry grumpily.

"Yes, but what do they do after they sting you?" said Dumbledore irritably.

"Buzz in your face and taunt you and then die?" Harry asked. Dumbledore nodded gravely.

"So... You're going to sting Voldie, buzz in his face, taunt him and then die?" Dumbledore nodded again.

"That's the plan Harry," he said gravely. Harry shrugged and pushed him off stage. "Whose next?" he called out.

Neville stepped up on stage. "Harry," he began.

"Get away from me geek," Harry said in a lordly manner pushing him off stage. "Next!"

Luna stepped up on stage. "Hey Harry," she began.

"Weirdo!" Harry laughed and pushed her off stage too. "Next!"

Draco stepped up on stage. "Harry, I've got to confess my secret love for you," he said quickly.

"Didn't you do that last chapter?" Harry asked in a mildly amused voice. Draco and I check the last chapter and see that, yes indeed, he confessed his love for Harry.

"Losers!" Harry smirked, pushing both Draco and myself off stage. "Next!"

"Hi," said Parvati Patil.

"Who?!" said Harry spitefully and pushed her off stage. "Next!"

Peeves floated up on stage. "Hi Harry," he began. Harry tried to push him off stage but pushed thin air instead and fell from his throne on stage with a scream of anguish.

* * *

"Good luck Harry!"

"You can do it Harry!"

"You make sure you kick his ass Harry!"

"2-4-6-8

Harry P is oh so great!

3-5-7-9

Nothing else will make this rhyme!"

Harry waved to the adoring crowds of people as he sat on his white horse, about to canter off into the distance and face Voldermort, when a clash of thunder and a bolt of lightning lit up the whole sky.

"Do you think that's a sign?" Ron whispered. Two clouds floated past in the shape of a thumbs up.

"No," whispered Crabbe decidedly before getting struck by a fork of lightning. Another cloud floated past bearing the words, "don't tempt fate."

Voldemort came over and for the first time ever we see him. He looks like. Well, he looks like... He looks like ... I'm being vague here but, well, I can't really explain it... Jo, can you?

* * *

Oh okay fine, hi everyone, I'm Joanne Rowling, official writer of Harry Potter. What do you mean "no I'm not?" how dare you! What makes you say that? Oh ... J.K is just a shortened version. No it does not mean "Just kidding!" you little brat! They made me shorten it because it's a sexist world in the land of publishing and to think those chauvinistic pigs are now earning money from my books after they made me into two anonymous initials! It makes me so angry!

**A/N: **Er... Jo?

Oh yes. Anyway, we've reached the big climatic scene of the seventh book here folks. Never again will I have to listen to whiny Harry Potter fans telling me how much they adore the little scar-headed bastard. How many times do they want me to backtrack the whole story in each one? My fingers are red raw from typing but at long last I've finished book seven. It's called:

Harry Potter and my medication needs a higher dosage please give me more pills doctor. Fanfic writers can abbreviate it to MMNAHDPGMMPD if they wish.

So, I hear you want to read the ending of book seven, hey? I bet you want to learn all about the symbolism behind the green flashes of light (F.Y.I They were fireworks!) and why Harry has green eyes (Genetics, stupid!) and why Harry can speak parseltongue (Er... It was just a lisp!) Well, it's your lucky day, for I am going to reveal the ending to you right now. Look away if you don't want to read:

KEEP SCROLLING!

OK Now that youre done scrolling you better make a wish...

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wish

Made your wish yet? If so, you're ready for the serious part

If you send this to 758439472 people or more, your wish will come true in 3 seconds If you send it to 758439471 or less, something horrible will happen to you Just read these horror stories

Mary Hendrickson, Palm Beach Florida

I didn't send this to anyone, and the next day, a pack of wild squirrels came and killed my son! It was horrible! Oh the brutality! They tore his brains out and smeared them on my pink blouse!

Keith Darfsinner, Nashville Tenessee

I was siyttin in muh trayler home, watching 'reystlin, and chect muh e-mayel and diydn't seynd iyt to anynyone aynd dah neyxt day all muh cows doied. A payck uh woulves ayte 'em. So me and muh siyster, who is also muh woife, aite the woulfe fyr diynner.

Ashley Michaels, Denver Colorado

I like, got this chain letter, and I like only sent it to 758439471 people, ONE LESS that the required thingie, and like the next day, like uh, my apartment colapsed and like, my little poodle like, died. I was like, oh my God Like, why did the apartment collapse? I mean, totally whatever.

The Queen, Buckingham Palace

One recieved this chain letter and since it is considered impolite to just ignore an email one has sent to one I sent it to one person. One does not take kindly to one's anonymous email... Thingies. Anyhoo one checked her bank account one morning and found that ones bank balance had gone from £10248485859393 to £10248485859392! Oh the humanity of one!

Those stories were REALLY REALLY REALLY 100 true! So if you don't forward it to anyone you will have bad luck and you will never love again and your crush will hate you and gouge out your heart with a spatula and hate you and trip you up and call you a geek and do other nasty things to you…

…Oh right! About that ending…

**THE (exclusive) ENDING:**

Harry woke up to the sound of someone banging on the stairs above him. He blinked stupidly and looked in the mirror. He wasn't seventeen. He was only ten. He didn't even have a scar. He wasn't the boy who lived (though he was a boy, and he did live - well, until the age of twenty-two when he tragically choked on a hairball and died.) He was normal Harry Potter. Those seven years at Hogwarts were just a dream.

"Harry, wake up and make breakfast," a woman's voice yelled.

"Yes aunt Petunia," he replied meekly.

* * *

Harry Potter fans all over the world gathered together today and rallied/cried/passed out in sadness when they read the last page of award winning author Joanne Rowling's books. It was learnt that the seven part series that took just under twelve years to write as a whole had been a cruel joke played on innocent young minds as hero Harry Potter found out that his magical adventures had been a dream all along. One fan, Beth, who is an avid slashfic writer was a mere thirteen years old when the first book came out and is celebrating her twenty-fifth birthday tomorrow. Or is she?

"I just can't go on," she gulped before dissolving into fresh tears. "Harry has played a huge part in my life. I used to make my boyfriend dress up as him and make love to me while I was dressed up as Hermione. To think that we've lost our kinky Potter sex is just too ..." Her sobs were too loud to decipher any more words.

The_ Daily Gossiper and bullshit spreader _tried to contact Ms Rowling for a statement but she is nowhere to be found. An eyewitness exclusively told us that they spotted her sunning herself on a cruise ship in the south of Jamaica. "She had tons of hunky young men following her," the exclusive eyewitness told us. "She was throwing cash at them and laughing as if she was really enjoying herself."

Unlike her many (former) fans. 'Tis a sad, sad day in the world of Harry Potter. On another note, the brilliant website is said to have lost out on 500,000 stories every day now that Pottermania has saw such a decline. Let's hope that (shameless plug) excellent story, A Spiders Web, will send ratings skyrocketing again.

This was Jordan reporting live from the _Daily Gossip and bullshit spreader_.

* * *

This chapter was crazy, even to the normal chapter standards lol. I wrote this because I don't want to continue with it anymore. Well, I hope you guys had fun reading it anyway, and I might do another parody story sometime in the future. Take care, and review please! Jordan xx

P.S - The "Scroll" part of the story came kindly from an anonymous someone at 

P.P.S - Beth, I included you in my story! Pleeeeeeeeeease return the favour?! lol

P.P.P.S - I wasn't kidding about the shameless plug. Please read _A spiders web _(my story - its on my fanfic main page!)


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